how I used to numb to the ways I was objectified

Incredible humans,


When I was 21, my parents took me and my friends to Vegas to celebrate. At the time, I was a pretty insecure young woman, always doubting myself, particularly around my looks. 

I remember at one point, as we were walking through the casino, my step dad said, "you guys don't even notice all the men are staring at you, do you?"

I hadn't. 
I was so focused on my own insecurities.


A few years ago, a friend of mind casually mentioned some of the intense, and sometimes obscene, ways she's been stared at/hit on/harassed simply walking down the street, or driving in her car.

At the time I felt appalled, and also thankful, that doesn't seem to happen to me. 


But as I've stepped outside of my own head more and more, I've started to see - that IS happening to me. 
All the time.
And I just didn't even notice it. 

Sometimes it's literal. I just literally didn't turn my head to see the homeless man masturbating on the sidewalk, while staring. 

But often, it's not literal, it's internal. My EARS hear the catcall, but my body somehow disregards it and convinces me it didn't happen. 


During quarantine, I've been playing a game of noticing all the energy coming towards me as I walk my dog around downtown. I've been watching my reactions - internal and external - and playing with how I can feel safer and more in tune with reality as I walk. 

And let me tell you - the more I let myself notice - the more INTENSE it gets. 
There is SO much coming at me, and swirling around me.

NO WONDER I pretended for SO LONG that that wasn't happening. 
It is SO MUCH. 
It is constant. 
It's hard to be okay.


Now, I acknowledge this is in part because I look a certain way.
I acknowledge this is in part how I hold myself, or dress myself.
I acknowledge this is in part because I live in a city. 

But, I want to point out that those are just explanations, that help us accept the fact that if you are walking around this world as a woman, no matter how you look, you are encountering this intensity. 
This energetic ownership of your body.
This lack of boundary. 
*This is of course true in various ways for more than just women, just speaking to one piece of this experience.


I shared about this the other day, and some of the responses I got (and often get) are something like, "wow, that's so intense. I'm sorry that happens to you." 

But what I think is missed in this comment, although very kind, is that, it is happening all the time. 

I'm not unique.

This isn't me saying poor me. 

This isn't me saying I'm so amazing everyone looks at me while I walk down the street.

This is the world. 

And, one of the ways we, collectively, deal with that, is we ignore it. Or we trivialize and minimize it. Or we straight up pretend that's not a thing that's happening.

We pretend that IT'S OKAY. 

And while that has its protective benefits, it dissociates us from our bodies.



This is a NERVOUS SYSTEM response, meaning, it is not something that is decided in your mind. It is something your physiology has done, without your knowing, in order to be okay. It has decided to separate from the intensity, so that it doesn't have to feel the pain, the violation, the constant invasion of space. 

And it's smart! Thank you nervous system for helping me be okay. 


But here's the thing, if we are not feeling what's happening to us...
How are we going to know what's okay and not okay in our relationships?
How are we going to know how to create a life that we actually want?
How are we even going to know what we want, if we have to live half blind in order to be okay?


Now, I'm speaking specifically about my experience, only one tiny piece of it. You may experience and exhibit variations of this (like fighting back all the time, or perhaps enjoying it and taking it as a compliment). 

But the point is, if we are not getting real about what happens in us, there's no way we are getting real about the things we care about in our lives. 

---

Next month, I'm running my second round of Breaking Up With Your Inner Good Girl, a 5-week online course dedicated to dismantling the hidden good girl within us. 

In the title, you see the term, "good girl," a title that I know many of us don't connect with. 

But the truth is, this term is just a way of saying, any way in which your SYSTEM (body, nervous system, physiology), has learned how to cope in this white, male, patriarchal world. 

And in that world, simply connecting with the truth inside of ourselves (again, our physiology - not some woowoo spiritual idea of ourselves), is an act of revolution. Of radical honesty, in a world that covers up honesty to portray a better picture. 



Lastly, I'll say that one of the most common phrases I hear from women that are wanting to shift something in their life is, "I'm fine." 

And while I know you, my women, are incredibly resilient and capable of being "fine," I wonder - if you are fine amidst all the ways in which you are put down, judged, objectified, taken advantage of, etc, simply because you can empathize or take care of yourself - is that better?

I'm fine, or it's fine, or I don't mind, or it's not that bad - are often just nervous system workarounds, to not have to feel all the bad. 

But in order to live full, to be your truth, to LOVE, to create change, to be impactful, and to expand into something better, we have to feel what's real. 


This course is designed to connect you to yourself in a way that is manageable for you. You don't have to feel it all at once.
We go slow and steady, and in community. 
We build resilience in our bodies.
We cultivate a stronger, more tangible sense of safety and power.
We embody truth, and clarity without numbing or hiding. 

Little by little.


Join before September 1 to save $$. 


Love you dearly,

Jessie