I'm in a secure relationship for the first time in my life

I’m in a secure relationship for the first time in my life.

Sometimes my mind still gets confused and tries to tell me that he is just too nice, because of how much he truly is there for me.

I feel all the ways my hyper-independence locked me into judgment of needing someone. And it therefore locked me out of ever having someone to be there for my needs.

My mind says

“Thats co-dependent”

Or

“Needing someone else is irresponsible”

And there are places where that’s true and it’s something to be discerning about

But I’m also really seeing the ways I was relating previously, from a new lens

➡️➡️Ohhh I didn’t want to need someone because then I’d have to feel the loss when they are gone.

And I’m really feeling that, now.

Being in the states for two weeks without him was so hard, not just because I love him and missed him, but because we really have a system of supporting each other when we are together.

We count on each other.

Yes
We count on each other.

And sometimes,
We have these moments where we freak out about that.
He worries he’s asking too much of me and I get controlling about how he’s doing things.

And that’s where I really feel how me “not needing” my previous partners wasn’t about being healthy, and or non- codependent.

It was about control.

If I do it myself, I can control the outcome.

(And, in my case, this also gave me yet another way to beat myself, and only myself, up about not doing it right.)

And what is control if not the absence of feeling?
The avoidance of grief?
The denial of the true havingness of love, in that the mere having is a losing.

The truth is
I chose avoidant partners so that I could control myself and never have to feel the sheer aliveness (read: terror) of opening to the reception of my true desires.

And so now, here I am.

In a relationship that moves me to tears almost on a daily basis.
In a dynamic where my full self is not only allowed, but required.

I watched the other day as he moved all the tables in a restaurant because the sun was in my eyes.

But it’s not just the way he will (at any moment, without question) move mountains for me.

It’s about the way we open to each other.
His nature supports my softness, and my softening feeds him, without effort on either end.

A true yin and yang I didn’t quite think was possible.

I mean, I would say it was, but I was never actually nourished by their yang.

But I am so god damn nourished by his sturdy, and he is so nourished by my soft.

And perhaps for the first time in relationship, I ge to be in my feminine.
Not feminine, like girly, but feminine like chaos. Like creation. Like expression and emotion.

For the first time
Home with him
Feels like home inside of myself.

They get to be one and the same,
For the first time.