I miss you.
I used to search for what's wrong so I could fix it.
This would make me feel powerful, and strong. This would make me feel good enough.
I would feel pain, and instead of letting it heal, I would pick at the wound, in an effort to fix.
This got me far.
For one, I am never afraid of pain. In fact - I learned to love it in certain ways. And that has it's benefits: I take risks! I fall in love. I push my body to new levels.
Without this relationship with pain, and solving problems, I don't know that I would have really understood how much responsibility and control I DO have over my life.
This is important and useful.
But...
It got to be destructive.
Every time I would go to fix something, it was a reminder that something was wrong. Something is ALWAYS wrong. "I AM ALWAYS WRONG."
Even though the "fix" had me feel good enough; the fact that it needed to be fixed in the first place perpetuated feeling NOT good enough.
And that ^^ is SHAME.
And THAT, is how I've lived so much of my life.
And THAT is how most of the world lives. Through the lens of never enough. Through the lens of always something wrong.
Again, it gets us far, but at what cost to ourselves? At what cost to our capacity for love? At what cost to living fully?
Now, I am in the practice of truly accepting everything as perfect. Maybe even joyful, or pleasurable, or sweet. Not as a means to avoid the bad, or the fixable problems. But as a way to live NOT ashamed. As a way to live from LOVE, instead of from fear of it being wrong.
It's as if I'm no longer picking at the wound; I'm letting it be, and I'm making sure the rest of the body is optimal for healing. Still in support of healing, but not by forcing it there.
And let me tell you - my life is now pretty insanely magical because of that!!!!!!
But let's also keep it real.
Sometimes I miss the shame.
I miss my addiction to finding things that are wrong. I miss the way my fears held me. I miss the safety I had in never being enough. It's silly, illogical, and not true according to my values, but I've had to go through a mourning process. And every once in a while, I feel it again, and go through it again.
SHAME: you have caused me a lot of pain, and you continue to treat the world terribly. But sometimes, I miss you.
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I share this with you because I think it is incredibly important that we remember - WE ARE HUMAN. We cannot simply will our flaws away. And actually, the true secret behind healing is FULLY accepting that human-ness.
We can't keep picking at the scab and pretend, every single time, thatTHIS will be the time that it will work. Or that the nail will finally be un-bite-able once we get off that good hang nail. Or that the hair will once-and-for-all look perfect if we just get that one curl to behave.
No.
The truth is, none of that is actually healing anything. You can hear it in the analogies. They don't make sense. They only perpetuate.
So why do we treat our systems like that?
If I could just wake up at 6 am everyday, THEN I'll feel better. If I do intermittent fasting, THEN I'll be thin enough. If I get to yoga everyday THEN I'm sane.
(Trust me, I've thought, and heard them all.)
No.
These are all "fixes". But this process is never ending. You know there's another problem around the corner.
No more fixing.
WE NEED HEALING.
WE.
CAN.
HEAL.
THIS is what I do.
THIS is what Take It Off is about.
And THIS requires support.
Which is why I'm here!
You in? <3
There are two ways you can walk into your healing with me right now:
1. 1-on-1 Coaching: GET CONNECTED via personal sessions with me. These sessions provide you with the opportunity to specifically dive into what you're dealing with, and expand your capacity for wholeness, LOVE, and BADASSERY in your ability to do whatever you want in this life.
2. Yoga Teacher Training: GET EMPOWERED by joining my VERY LAST 200-hour Yoga Alliance Certified training program. September 27 - December 15, we are in the studio digging into how the body works, what's possible, and how to align ourselves deeply with who we are. This program not only certifies you to teach yoga, but to live POWERFULLY in your body. From there, you can do any physical skill you desire, you can heal injuries, you can repair relationships and heartache, you can move forward in alignment with what is really true for you!
(3. BONUS: stay tuned for online workshops, podcasts, and conversations coming soon!! )
If you want to feel it out, see which one might be right for you - contact me.
I am here for support, guidance, and understanding. I want you in these programs if these programs are for you. Step up and claim it, if they are.
With love,
Xoxo
Jessie