I've always been pretty good at following the pull.

I’ve always been pretty good at following the pull.

The pull of truth inside of me that tells me it’s time to do something. To follow a different path. To move. To create.

It’s the thing that had be move to LA to dance after getting my BS in environmental biology.

It’s the thing that had me go deeper and deeper into yoga when all I thought I wanted to do was dance.

It’s the thing that had me create Take It Off Yoga and lead yoga retreats in the desert.

That thing has always been there.
And to be honest,
It has always been my fuel.

But I have abused it.
Sometimes, I hear the call from deep inside,
And I push it away.
I tell it “not now”
“Let me finish my degree first”
“I don’t like that”

I ignore it, hoping it will become more convenient for me.
As it twists and turns
Creating injuries and illnesses and trauma loops inside me.

Or sometimes,
I feel it,
And I go
YES!!
And I grab onto it, hastily pushing it to be what I want it to be.
Leaving it exhausted and unsatisfied.

I see so many of us thanking our bodies
Practicing manifestation
Tasting our magic and going YES OMG THANK YOU.
But really what we are doing
Is saying
Thank you for obeying me.
Thank you for manifesting me what my ego wants.
Thank you for letting me beat you into shape.
Thank you for doing what I say.

We are not actually seeing it.
We are not actually living in it, sitting in it, embodying.

We are USING it.
We get a taste of the power and we just have to have it all.
So we take it.
We TAKE it.

And we wonder why colonization is a thing.

WE DO IT TO OURSELVES.

__

Today,
I sit on my floor.
Doing the umpteenth dance practice on the same yoga mat on the same floor.
Feeling my mind spin out trying to figure out where I go next.
For months I’ve been feeling simultaneously trapped, yet overly attached to being here.
I want to go, but I need to stay.
I want to stay, but I need to go.

This thing,
The thing inside me,
Is brewing.
It’s calling.
But I cannot heed it until I stop abusing it.
I cannot take that call and make it into what I want.

I don’t get to want here.

The call is the revealing of true desire.
All I can do is open to it,
Until I am kind and patient enough,
To let it take me