My desire is so big.

My desire is so big.

It’s so big I can’t hold it.
So, I ignore it ignore it ignore it.
Until I can’t anymore,
And then I just let myself have it.
And in the having it I wreck myself.
Because my system wasn’t meant to have months of desire packed in to one moment.

But that’s what I do.

I starve myself all day long in the name of intermittent fasting, or “being busy.”
And then when I can’t ignore my hunger anymore,
I feast.
I feast on pizza, and burgers, and oh so much wine.
And it’s the most delicious feast I’ve ever tasted.
Because I’ve been starving.

I do this everywhere.

I starve myself of genuine connection to men, and then gift myself a sexy feast.
I starve myself of pure dance, and then gift myself a cute video.
I starve myself of true community, and then gift myself hours of talking to my best friend.

But why?
Why do I do that?

I kept thinking about the addiction part of it. About the part where I want attention, or where I want to drink alcohol, or where I’m needy in relationship.
But that’s not it.
It’s not the addiction.

It’s the DESIRE.
It’s the bigness of the truth.
The true thing that my system actually wants and needs to be fed, and full, and fulfilled.
It’s just that it’s so big, that my system couldn’t hold it.
So it found sneaky ways to get little tastes.
Sneaky ways to have some candy, instead of the whole meal.
Because the whole meal is too much to ask.

I’m finally here for the WHOLE MEAL.
The
Whole
F*cking
Meal.

Letting desire speak,
A little at a time,
Until she’s truly nourished
And ready to lead.

🐍

Originally written February 4, 2022.