Voiceless
I've been in too many conversations with women lately, where they share about an experience, usually with a man, where they felt that they needed to speak up, but just couldn't.
This could be in the form of really subtle things like someone asked them a question and they couldn't find the words. Or it could be in big situations, like they wanted to say no to sexual advances, but just couldn't. Or they wanted to speak up against a man being an asshole, but felt paralyzed.
And I want to speak on this. Because this is a real thing. This is not because these women are weak, or dumb, or not capable of speaking clearly: it is trauma. It is a PHYSIOLOGICAL response to an environment, a situation, or a person.
For the purposes of this email, I don't want to go too much into why this is in terms of society, and the oppression of women, because I think this conversation applies to ALL OF US in some form, regardless of gender, race, class, etc.
But I do want to speak on something specific.
If you ever feel like you...
just can't find the words
feel paralyzed, or stuck
try to say something but nothing comes out, or something that isn't actually what you wanted to say comes out
get shut down around certain people or environments
1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
2. THIS IS PHYSIOLOGICAL, and not something you can PUSH yourself through, or think your way through, or BE BETTER next time.
Not that thinking, or talking about it, or figuring it out isn't helpful. It could be.
But our system "freezes" like this when it feels threatened. And to some extent, it doesn't matter if it's actually threatened in that moment, because our system has picked up on threatening circumstances for our entire lifetime (and generations or lives before us), and so it remembers.
This is tricky because, I know I've been in situations where, I shut down...but when I look around at my environment, it's seemingly non-threatening. It could be with a boyfriend, that I "should" feel comfortable around. Or with a group of friends who are so kind. Or with a teacher who is truly caring for me.
And yet, I shut down.
Often, we then go into shame. We criticize ourselves for shutting down when there was "no reason" to. Which often then perpetuates the shut down, adding more emotional threat to ourselves. Or we ignore the fact that we shut down, and start accepting that we are just "quiet", or not the type of person to speak up. AND then, we deprive our system the chance to actually process the threat that has been operating for years.
Let me repeat: you cannot think your way through this one.
AND
It's NOT that you SHOULD be stronger, better, more confident already.
This is about your body.
Your BODY doesn't know it's safe.
(And why would it? If you've never taught it that it is...particularly if you had any slight form of unsafety growing up.)
So hopefully this brings about some good news.
First, the knowledge that it isn't somehow your "fault" that you can't speak clearly, hopefully relieves a bit of pressure. You aren't failing yourself or your community by not being able to speak.
And second, it's all HEALABLE. We just have to talk to the body!
In the work I do with my 1-on-1 clients, we work with the body feeling safe, grounded, connected, present. And we do it through the actual circumstances that are happening in their lives. And so what starts to happen is not only do they generally feel better in their body (sometimes injuries heal, illness disappears, etc), but also they are just somehow able to speak. Somehow, they show up to that event and feel totally confident. Somehow, the conversation with the ex is easy. Somehow, they are just connected to themselves, and can speak honestly, without even trying to do the "right" thing.
This is the magic of somatics. Your body holds not only your healing (which is pretty freakin cool), but also your patterns. Your fears. Your tendencies.
And so by going into it, connecting to it, and tapping into its natural rhythm...we release the need to control it. And now instead of wishing we wouldn't shut down, or beating ourselves up for it, we almost forget about it because it is so easy to stay present. To feel safe.
Mmmm. So cool.
Has this ever happened to you, where you can't find your voice? What's the experience of it like for you? I'd love to hear from you individually.
Wanting support around it? Wanting to feel effortless in staying present, communicating how you want to, and feeling safe and sturdy in your system? I feel you. Apply here.
With love,
Jessie