32

32 🌎

Today I am 32.

Usually, around my birthday I let myself feel extra proud of who I am. My Leo self gets to turn on her pride.

But this year, it feels a little different.

I am not feeling accomplished, or particularly loved or liked.
I am not feeling specifically good about myself, or proud.
I’m also not feeling bad about myself, or like I need some validation or praise.

Instead,
I am feeling integrated.
I feel like all the pieces of me, are one.
Like I don’t have to compartmentalize my manipulative bitch, or my sexual vixen. I don’t have to hide my needy baby, to make sure no one judges her, and I don’t have to act like I’m not messy or fucked up or totally insane.

It feels like I am ALL OF IT.

I am manipulative, but I’m also so sweet, and honest, and mindful.
I am sexy, but I’m also a full human, with body hair, odor, blood, fat.
I am a needy baby, but I’m also incredibly responsible, and powerful within myself.
I am selfish, and harmful, but I’m also so loving and tender.

I am ALL OF IT.

And when I see and feel myself now, I’m like…

THERE SHE IS.
THIS IS JESSIE.

So much of her has been hiding for so long.

But finally, she has let herself come to the surface.

I AM ALL OF IT.

Originally written July 28, 2021.