I'm still hiding

I’m still hiding.

I mean, I’ve been sharing deep, rich pieces of myself with you all, for a while now.

But I still hide so much.

I’m like, SEE ME YES SEE ME.
Oh but not that part!
Eek.

Sometimes I want to share a story, or something juicy, but I stop myself because I don’t want you to see me in that way.

And while I know that I don’t have to show you all my shadows.

I also know, that the real reason I don’t show them,
Is because I don’t want to see them.
I don’t want to make them real.

But they are very much real.
And the more I learn and live and experience, the more I see how much magic is buried inside of them.
How my deepest desires and potions and gifts have been hiding in these spaces that I didn’t “like.”

And, among other things, one of the reasons I am here on this earth, is to share.
Is to be a vessel for truth, so that others can see pieces of that truth in themselves.

So, I have blocked my parents on this platform. 😂
That was necessary.

And you, too, can leave at any time.

But I am going to be much more open with you.
Open about things that I have previously hidden like:
-my dating life and how for so long I have been with partners who ghost me or criticize me or hide from me because I secretly believe I am too needy and annoying and need to restrict myself for men to like me
-my finances and how for years I have been in this feast and famine pattern, where my money goes way up for months, and then drops to rock bottom, and how I’m still entangled with my parents bailing me out and all the guilt and weird control patterns that come with that
-my health and how I’ve had a hernia for years and I got herpes from someone who didn’t know they had it and we were safe and I’ve felt pity for myself that these things happened to me and I’ve spent a long time trying to fix them so I wouldn’t have to tell anyone or deal with them but they are still here
-my ego, and how for so long I’ve been living as if I am so much smaller than I am, and this has people treat me as small and I’ve felt so victimized and angry about this for the last few years and I’m not actually small, nor angry anymore

See, I hid all these things because without them, my story was much clearer.
Heal all your wounds that came from wounded people.
Make yourself feel better.

But in truth, I don’t want to feel better.
And I don’t want you to feel better either.
I want you to feel TRUE.
Honest.
In presence with what is, and what you truly deeply want in each moment.

And I don’t want you to heal your wounds by seeing the ailments of those who caused them.
I want you to love your wounds and realize that you, too, have caused wounds in yourself and others and to deeply accept that about being human. And love anyway.

I want us to be open to whatever is here.
All of it.
Because
We are all of it.
And loving yourself and life isn’t about making it better.
It’s about being with it for real.

So,
I’ve been hiding.
But I’m not anymore.

And I don’t know how this will go, because I keep thinking I’m gonna write and share.. and then I don’t.
But we are taking it slow.
And

I’m not hiding anymore.

Originally written August 12, 2021.