Because it's just so juicy

Because it’s just so juicy.

I used to think that really receiving the arrival of my desires would feel like pleasure.

Like that moment when you think you can’t have another bite of cake but you do and you experience the spike of pleasure once more.

Or that spot after your third or fourth or fifth org*sm and you’re so sensitive you think you can’t possibly experience more pleasure but you do. One more.

And the thing about both of those experiences, is so often there is a crash after. That blissful numbed out release. The spot where nothing matters anymore.
The escape.

I think a part of me still thought that HAVING
Meant stopping.
Meant no longer engaging.
Like reaching a goal -
Once you reach it… it’s done.
You are released from its demands.

But
No

It does not feel like those things.
It does not feel like intense pleasure (although pleasure is involved)
And it does not feel like the numbed out come down (although there are blissed out moments)

In fact
This spot of HAVING that I’m currently in
Of receiving the fulfillment of some huge desires in me (some I didn’t even know I had)

Is asking me to be more engaged with life than ever before.
It is asking me to drop all of my preferences and show up for what’s here.

In fact
It doesn’t seem to give a shit about what I think is pleasurable and what isn’t.
And it’s asking me to open to it anyway.

And inside of this
I think I’ve touched happiness for the first time

Not the obligatory happiness that you’re supposed to feel when you are blessed with good circumstances

But the inside out sort of happiness
The deep fulfillment of existing kind of happiness
The type of happiness that stays through the storms and the fights and the bugs
The type of happiness that doesn’t care if there’s hot water in the shower
Or if there’s a crab living under the bed
Or if the roof is leaking
Or if you fell off your motorcycle and burned your leg

It stays.
It’s the rightness.
The knowingness.

It’s the fucking
Havingness.

So here I am
Dancing in my kitchen that over looks the ocean
Teasing my partner
Resting between deep soulful client sessions

Having it.
Savoring the rightness.
Accepting its demands.

Here I am
Happy