The bad can be so right

I am continually amazed and confused
By how the bad
Can be
So
Right

The things I’ve spent my whole life avoiding
Protecting against
Being warned about

Are happening
Now

And they are
So
Right

I keep trying on that familiar thought that maybe things are all wrong
Maybe I shouldn’t be here
Maybe I did something wrong to deserve this
Maybe I need to work harder to fix this
To make it better

I try this on
Like a hat

Does it still fit?

It used to
It always has, in fact

But when I put it on
Everything in my system
Is a NO

That’s not it

These things
These things I’ve spent my whole life thinking are bad
Or scary
Or mistakes

Are just
Not

They are some of the things my soul has craved the most

They are the things that I’ve been crying out for

This has been revealed to me in all kinds of ways

Sometimes in really kinky ways like wow I actually really like that nasty thing

Often in quite sweet, simple ways
Like
I have literal boo-boos all over my body for the first time since I was like 5 😂 from playing and engaging with life so physically

And sometimes in really deep, profound ways
Like Niña
My cat
Who died last week
The cat that I saved off the street who couldn’t walk
The cat who I fought for when I met her previous owners and saw they did not care for her
The cat who became a part of my family, and opened me up to a love I didn’t know I had in me
She died, suddenly
And in my absolute devastation
There was this richness
This touchpoint to divine that I don’t think I’ve ever felt
This aligned rightness
This all encompassing love
The way grief is love and love is grief
The way the binary reality of life and death allows us to touch the eternal
The space where there are no binaries
Only Truth

And how if we close off to one of those binaries
The one we think is bad

We miss it.

We miss IT.

We miss the thing
The real thing
The life source that courses through our veins
The inhale exhale of our soul inside of our bodies

And I keep seeing this
How I tense up around these little spots
Where I think I need to protect myself from getting hurt
But instead
When I open to the hurt
I touch life