2022

At the start of this year
I needed to be a nobody

I needed to be nothing and no one important
To release any pressure to become something I wasn’t

My word of the year was humility

And man did I get humbled.

I landed on the floor of my parents house in December of 2021
Thinking I would get up and leave a month later
But that month turned into to 2
And then 3, or 4
And soon
I was just living
On the floor

I worked very little
And my life consisted mostly of hottubs and dance and tears

My whole life crumbled

In fact, it had been crumbling since the start of the pandemic
But some part of me was always still fighting to get it back
But not this year
This year I let it drop out from underneath me

Back to square one.

And I grieved and mourned for months
And every time I would try to get up off the floor
I would get knocked right back down

Not yet
I would hear
As I squirmed and protested

So I stayed.
I had the opportunity to get a surgery that I’d been putting off for 5 years.
I caught up on finances and stabilized.
I dated men with so much intention and self-holding that I watched my anxious attachment rewire inside of me.
I tended to my relationship with my family, healing years of tumult.
I ate food, healing a lifetime of disordered eating and toxic body perfectionism.
I watched my body get fatter and hairier and softer and wider and fuller,
So I sat down and spent time picking out luxurious new clothing to adorn this new body with.
And I danced. I danced every single day.
To talk to god.

And mostly
I sat with myself
And although there were moments where I wanted to pull away
Go back to distracting myself with good looks (a sexy business or location or body or man)

I didn’t.
(I couldn’t.)

I stayed.
I stayed with myself
Alllll the way.

Alone in the woods for months.

And finally
When I had fully accepted my life here
Feeling the tenderness of my true desires that were unfulfilled -

It was time.

The message came in loud and clear -
NOW.

I flew to Mexico City
Knowing I would somehow end up in a beach town on the west coast but not knowing how
And then the pieces fell together
And I landed in the town I had always dreamed of (not knowing where it would be).

And I watched as magic swirled all around me.
I found my first teacher, a giant sea turtle, on the beach and took her bones, only to find her shell magically on my roof a week later.
I met my soul cat on the side of the road, and nurtured her back to love.
I met a man.
The sweetest man I have ever known.
And I’ve been witnessing myself open to a love inside of me I didn’t know was in there, and create a relationship I didn’t think was possible.
I watched my cat die, and honored her with the local children.
I learned to live with bugs and creatures in my room, and no hot water.
I fell on my motorcycle and am slowly coming back to her.
I signed up for singing lessons and have been letting my true voice come through more and more.
I watched the potent medicine that lives inside me, slowly slide towards the surface, wanting to be served.
I built altars.
And
I danced.
I danced and I danced and I danced.
To talk to god.

And after months (and really, years)
Of deconstructing the identity of who I had once been
Waiting for the time I could build and create,
Wondering if it would ever come,

I am finally beginning again.

I found myself for the first time this year.
Alone in the woods.
And now I know what she feels like
Even as the external shifts and changes

And I watch as little parts of me fall back into a story or an identity
And I watch them get shattered
Over and over

To come back to her

The one who’s here
When no one’s in the room.

Thank you, 2022.
I love you so deeply.

♥️