I'm no longer in collapse

I’m no longer in collapse

My entire adult life, I’ve been collapsed, but fighting it

Every action took force
Coded as
Inspiration
Motivation
Passion

But it was force

And I would get up
And go and push and try
And then
I would return to my home of collapse

And all the while I was pushing and trying and going
I was still waiting
I was still waiting for something or someone to save me
I would drown in fantasies of the man
Or the job
Or the house
Or the skill
Or the reputation

That would save me

That would finally feed my starving soul
Feed it with
Love
With money
With rest
With food

That would finally give me a break
As the reward for all my work

I was collapsed

Trying
But waiting
Going
But
Shutting down

Perpetually stuck
Like one foot on the gas and one on the brake
Expending energy but unable to move

And then
I spent the year resting

Sleeping
Reading
Hottubing
Mourning
Journaling
Dancing
TV watching
Walking

I spent the year almost in silence
A true hibernation in winter that lead into spring

And now I’m noticing
In a way that feels like it’s all of the sudden
But is truly years of work in unraveling
That I’m no longer there

The last two weeks while I was in the US I actually planned, and did, a LOT
A packed visit that a year or two ago would have had me pushing

In fact
For the last few years I’ve had to purposely not plan anything and have SO MUCH down time in order to not burn myself out
And that’s finally shifting

I’m no longer starving for the rest
I no longer need a break from life

There was a while there where I wasn’t sure it would ever shift
I remember a client once telling me how hard it is to have a system that collapses and were they ever gonna get out of it?
And I felt that.
I knew it was shifting in myself
But I still felt it.

I know.
Collapse is so heavy.
It feels like it will never end.

But now
When collapse comes in
I catch it

Sometimes I can simply choose a different response
Other times
I go right down into it
All the way down into it
All the way THROUGH it
And it spits me back out

That took YEARS of being inside of my own collapse
That took YEARS of nervous system work and trauma healing
That took YEARS of de-conditioning my ideas of productivity and rest

It took years of sitting with myself in exactly what is
Of accepting that my system collapses easily
Of honoring what my true capacity is at any given time (it was WAYYYY smaller than I wanted it to be - WAY)

Of aligning myself with the pocket that I’m in no matter what my mind/ego/goals says about it

I’m no longer perpetually in collapse
And wow it feels good

—

I am making some shifts inside of my business and will have some ways to work with me soon. I’ll be doing year long 1:1 containers, a group coaching journey, and an embodiment program.

If you already know you want to work with me, DM me and I’ll make sure to connect with you as things come to fruition.

♥️