Been mourning.

Been mourning.

The ways in which I’ve twisted myself to please.
The ways in which I’ve silenced myself for “peace.”
The ways in which I’ve held it in to be more “free.”

It’s funny really,
How people pleasing
Is less about actually pleasing anyone

And more about not trusting people
To hold what is so.

Including ourselves.

So we twist it.
We tell ourselves we don’t mind, when we do.
After all, being difficult or “too much” isn’t just a story OUT THERE.
It isn’t just a tall tale about emotional women.
No
It’s in us, too.
WE are the ones that feel we are too much.
We get frustrated with the pieces inside ourselves, that don’t seem to meet what is expected of us,
And more importantly,
What WE expect of ourselves.

We get annoyed with those pieces,
That won’t fall in line.
So we hush them.
We punish them.
We ignore them.
We do everything we can
To not simply hear them.

So,
I’ve been grieving
My people pleasing ways.

I’ve been sad
That it took me this long to let all those pieces in.
To honor them.

And I’ve been sad
That now that I’ve seen them..
I can’t NOT listen to them.
I can’t go back to the space of letting things slide.
Letting my energy be leaky.
Letting “go”, which was often more like pretending it wasn’t there.

I’m sad that it’s taken me so long to be here.
And I’m sad that I’m here.

And yet,
AND YET,
This is where I am.
And this is so much more aligned with my spirit.
With my Knowing.
With the world inside of me, that has been tugging at me for 30 years.
Here she is.

🖤🖤🖤

*please do not mistake my sadness for a problem that needs fixing. It is beautiful to me. If these thoughts resonate with you, lovely. If they don’t, lovely.