I used to believe that my shame made me a good person.

I used to believe that my shame made me a good person.

That a good person should feel bad if they did something wrong.

That even if I made mistakes, as long as I felt really bad, it was okay.

And then I would feel judgmental and irritated if someone didn’t drop into shame when they did something “wrong.”

And there’s something really tricky about this because..

My system learned that
Shame = good person

And therefore, no matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient my shame spirals were,

They were always validated by my system.

I worked and worked on being more confident

Overcoming my insecurities
Believing in my inherent worthiness

But when it came down to it,
And something struck a cord of shame in me,

I fell.

I fell deep, and far, and dark into a shame hole.

That hole was so frustrating
And terrifying
And heartbreaking

But it was also what made me “good”

And damn. I liked that.

.
.

Lately, I’ve been noticing when shame wants to pull me in

I feel it like a hint of woozy through my body
A tease of collapse
A glimmer of temptation to just give in
Give up
Drop into it.

But now, I can actually choose

I can choose to feel that woozy and let it pass
Or I can choose to drop down into it.

In fact, sometimes, for fun
(Yes, this is literally what I do for fun 😂)
I will play with dropping into woozy, and coming back,
And going back and forth.
Noticing how much agency I have now.

I didn’t get here by overcoming shame.
Pushing through it.
Forcing it gone.
Avoiding it.
Denying it.
Pretending it wasn’t happening when secretly it was pulling on me.

No.
I got here by rolling with shame.
Acknowledging the fact that shame has been SO comforting to me for so long.
And even
Getting TURNED ON by shame.

Shame might not be it for you,
But I think that so many of us are tempted by collapse of some kind.
The ability to close the doors to the world in some way, if even for a moment.

Here’s the secret though:
LET IT IN
And you can go through it.

Let it in.
And you can be free.

—

You already know: we literally do this in IDENTITY part 2, Get Turned On By Your Triggers.

You can get free.