Drop into yourself, and KNOW.

My loves,

When the quarantine first began, I went on a journey. A journey of balancing what IS okay, and what is not. Balancing where to worry, and where to trust. I was navigating fear about my parents' health, financial issues, feeling alone and afraid for the world.

I remember one day in particular.

As soon as I woke up, I knew things were not okay. Nothing had changed specifically in the world, or in my family, but on this morning, I woke up and my system knew, "things are not okay." I had a slow morning. I did some yoga. And I still felt like there was no ground underneath me. 

At 1 pm, I closed all my blinds, drew a bath, lit some candles, and slid into the tub in the dark. 

And then I laid there.
I let the tub hold me.
As I began to soften into the tub, I felt how BIG this feeling was inside of me. It almost felt too big to handle. Like nausea on the edge of coming up and out. 
So I moaned. 
I squirmed.
My body moved and cried out in pain.
In the pain of this moment.
The fear.
The sadness.
The loss.
The grief.
The guilt.
The uncertainty.
The responsibility.
The anxiety.
The alone-ness.

As I let my body move, and sound, and cry, it started to sink in. The overwhelming nausea feelings settled, and my body simply sunk into the safety of the bath. 
I felt heavy. 
So heavy.
But held. 

The ground was back. 

After an hour or two, I peeled myself out of the tub. I walked out into the living room, and even with the blinds closed, the light felt scorching. 
I scurried back into my room, put on a robe, and laid in my bed.
I played this meditation from a teacher of mine, called "A Sanctuary of No Emergency." I listened to her reading a poem. A poem about a place that is safe. A place where there is nothing to do. And all is well. 
And I sunk some more.
I played her on repeat for about an hour.
Sinking sinking sinking.

Finally, I rose, took my dog on a walk while playing a sweet, philosophical podcast. 

That evening, I drove to the beach (it was still allowed at the time), and sat in the sand. Letting mother earth take care of me. Letting the waves hold my fear. 

Over the next few weeks, I did this or some similar process when it called to me. I listened to my body, and let it pull me into the depths when it needed to go there. I did not deny my fears, invalidate my sadness, or ignore my guilt. 

I felt it. 

Over the next few weeks, I hardly produced anything.
I stopped posting on instagram almost entirely.
I think I emailed you guys once or twice.
I stopped writing.
I stopped dancing/performing on video.
I stopped speaking out. 
I stopped almost all output. 

I rested.
I filled up.
I nourished myself with the sweetness I needed.
I scrolled past the instagram lives, the calls to action, and the silly tik tok videos that made it seem like everything is fine.
And I gave myself the time. 

When my mentor started producing things again, and offering classes and courses left and right, I felt like perhaps I should be doing more. Perhaps I should be promoting, offering, outputting. 
But when I checked in with my body, it wasn't in me. 
Could I force it?
Sure. I can fake it. I've done it before.
But it wasn't actually in me. 
So I waited.
And I kept listening.

And then,
It started.
At first I heard a whisper, something's coming Jessie, be patient.

Then, while teaching my online course that happened to begin right as the lockdown occurred, I felt my students there with me. And I felt how badly we all needed this community.
The whisper got a little louder, it's coming. 

One day, I was in my business course, and they said something like, now's a good time to re-do something you've done before, but tailor it to the quarantine. 
And that voice got LOUD, and said, RETREAT. 

I grappled with it for a second, how can I do a retreat right now? Plus, I had stepped away from retreats.

And then it all rushed into my system.

WE NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. 
This retreat is not about escaping to nature.
It's not about nude photoshoots.
It's not about self-development. 

This retreat is about going IN. 
It's about giving ourselves the time to get OUT of the world we've been in. Because it's not here anymore.
It's about the embodiment of this journey, and the resourcing of it within our own homes.

I saw myself moving through my life over the past few weeks. The way I had listened to my system calling to me when it needed a bath, or calling to me when it needed to workout, or calling to me when it was ready to write something, or create something. I thought about how juicy that feels, and how sweet it felt to share some of those moments with my online course participants.

And I felt from deep within me, oh this is what this retreat is about. Doing all these amazing, nourishing, self-trusting activities...TOGETHER.

This retreat is an opportunity to live this quarantine in TRUTH.
In CONNECTION to your body.
In ALIGNMENT with what's real for you. 

And to take that with you wherever you go while you're stuck inside, and as you start to piece your life back together out there in the world. 


I hear from my students as we do this work together, that it's challenging to know what it it we truly want. Making decisions, without the pre-existing structure of jobs, events, dates, and other plans, can be overwhelming. 

This weekend is an opportunity to drop into yourself, and actually KNOW what you want from within. 
And it is an opportunity to set yourself up to continue to do that everyday, forever.

To drop into yourself, and KNOW. 

Join me, May 8-10, for UN-DOING...

Where we get to unravel that pre-existing structure within ourselves, and embody a more coherent way of being, feeling, and doing. 

I love you. 

Click below for details. Or simply message me. I'm here to talk.

Xo,
Jessie