For most of my life, I needed someone to tell me what to do.

For most of my life, I needed someone to tell me what to do.

Whether it was my mom babying me
My boyfriends dominating me
My coaches critiquing me
Or literally the server at a restaurant..

I’ve felt better when someone else decided.
Or at least validated my decision.

If someone gave me feedback, or criticism, or even just random bullying..
If I could find even a tiny hair of it that could possibly be true about me..
I believed it.

Even if deep down,
I know it wasn’t true.
Or better yet,
I knew it was true, and I WANTED to be that way.

But instead of owning it,
For so much of my life,
I crumbled underneath other people’s opinions.

It’s no surprise that this led to weird kinks like:
-dating super controlling men who criticized me a lot
-finding career(s) where I could tell myself I wasn’t making it because I wasn’t doing what successful people said I should be doing, and just need to work harder
-finding teachers and friends who were older than me and more experienced so I could blindly listen to what they said about me

It seems I am the perfect candidate to follow the social mold.

And yet

NO WONDER I have been so hell bent on doing things my way
On doing what I want to do

Because my goodness it has been so suppressed for so long.

The wounded part of me said, “might as well trust them, because we know we can’t trust ourself.”

While the deep, wise part of me screamed, “WE KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. LETS DO THIS.”

Honestly,
For years I didn’t listen to the scream inside of me.
And now, I’ve been listening for years and I still feel like I’m barely scratching the surface.

But at least now,
I can hear her.
The deep, wise me.
The part of me that knows I can trust myself.
The part of me that is actually okay making mistakes, or being a brat, or setting boundaries, or letting people see me however they want to see me,
Because ultimately,
I know I got myself.
I can adapt.
And deepen.
And open.
And follow my continued inner wisdom.

Phew.

I’m sure I’ll still get a kick out of being told what to do,
If not in normal life,
At least in the bedroom 😜,

But otherwise,
We are in a new chapter.
One where I listen to the deepest part of me.
And that is all.

⚡️