I am FINALLY feeding myself.

I am FINALLY feeding myself.

For so long, I wasn’t.

I spent a decade doing every diet in the book.
Restricting.
Cutting things out.
Cleansing.
Thinking I was allergic to dairy, gluten, sugar… you name it.
Thinking that if I could just eat right, I would feel right.
And look right.
And be right.

At first, this started because I was a hardcore gymnast until I was 15, and when I quit, puberty hit and I didn’t know what to do with my appetite and my weight gain and my fitness.

Then, it heightened as I started dating and wanting to be sexy and wanting to be the best that I could be in every way.

Then, I moved to LA, and wanted to dance, and knew that in order to do, I needed to look a certain way.
And to feel a certain way.

Finally, after a few years of yoga, it really hit me, that nothing is ever going to change if I don’t accept myself.

Because no matter how I swung it, all of my dietary moves were coming from a deep hate of myself. A deep desire to be different than I was. A deep belief that I could WILL myself into a different body, and being.

So, I accepted myself.
And I really did, in many ways.
I stopped dieting.
I let myself eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
And I did.
And honestly, that was the best thing for me to do.
I have been doing that for years, and it has felt great.
My 20 year battle with IBS, disappeared.
My body image terrors, literally have never come back.

AND
I lost weight, and got pretty skinny for while.
And I kind of believed, “see? When you just love yourself, you’ll lose it.”
But I was still missing a really huge piece.

Because all those years of restricting, and constricting, and hating, and holding back, still lived in me.

So yes, I let myself eat the pizza when I wanted.
But all day long, I was still doing the same patterns.
I would feel hunger
And not eat.

ALL
DAY
LONG.

And I told myself that was because I was busy. I was focused on work.
And I told myself that was because I was lazy, and not a good cook.
And I told myself things like, “well, I’m basically doing intermittent fasting, which is good for you, right?” (Studies have shown recently that is actually one of the worst things to do for women 🙊. Don’t @ me. Just look it up and make your own decisions.)

But none of that shit was real.
I was ignoring my hunger because my HUNGER WAS INCONVENIENT.
I was ignoring my hunger because years of dance, and dieting, and hearing my mom brag about her teeny tiny lunch consisting of a hard boiled egg and 3 grapes got to me.
I was ignoring my hunger because I didn’t want to have it.
I wanted to be thin.
Needless.
Convenient.
Productive.
Effective.
Powerful.

I thought that POWERFUL meant DON’T NEED TO EAT.

I’m being dramatic now, but I’m serious. Powerful is often portrayed as the person that can just keep going. That doesn’t need to sleep. And doesn’t need to soften.

And I bought it.
I ate that up, so I wouldn’t have to do what I really needed, which was to literally EAT. FOOD.

And it worked.
I was operating on overdrive pretty well.
I was teaching at 6 yoga studios, auditioning, rehearsing, AND running my own business.
I got skinny.
And “sexy” (according to some bullshit standards).
I attracted the men I wanted to (well, the ones I thought I wanted).
I could walk into a yoga studio, or a dance audition, and feel confident, that people would look at me and know I must know what I’m doing, simply because of how I looked.
I could walk into a bar, or a coffee shop, and pull on the energy just right, and get any man to be drawn to me.
I knew how to use it.

But it wasn’t actually getting me what I wanted.
It was simply enhancing this elaborate distraction, that only furthered me from what I really desired.
Food.
Love.
Openness.
Fullness.

Freedom.

Not restriction.
Not tight skinny sexy.
Not “a boss.”
Not high productivity.

But truth.
Real truth.
Real connection.

So

Now.
I’m eating.
When I’m hungry, it is my commitment to get something in my body.
And it is hard.
Sometimes I am nauseous when I think about food. (I’m telling you, this pattern is engrained in my body, not my mind.)
Sometimes I wanna say “fuck it. Just push through, you don’t need it.”
Sometimes I want to whine about how annoying and needy my hungry body is.

But I’m listening.
And she’s growing.
I’ve already started outgrowing some clothes, and I’m excited to move into the next size of me.

This journey is not about weight, or looks, or even “health” in terms of what the “healthiest” way to eat is.

It is only about feeding my body when she is hungry.
Honoring what is actually true.
No more ignoring, or pretending I don’t need it, and then feeling constantly unsatisfied.

In fact,
This actually isn’t even about food.
It’s about everything.
It’s about romantic relationships, it’s about family, it’s about business.
It’s about my “higher self.”
It’s about it all.

I am finally feeding myself.
Phew.
Let’s do this.

This journey is deeply inspired, if not fully initiated, by watching @demetra_nyx_ over the last few months. If you haven’t been following her food journey - go follow, now.

Thank you, so deeply, Demetra. So grateful for your presence in this world.

And thanks @rozesubject for the pics 😉

Originally written August 31, 2021.