I kept getting waves of loneliness.

I kept getting waves of loneliness.
When I know, I’m not actually lonely.

So,
Why?

I felt into it.

And I found where I was closing to love.
I was keeping the love out.
I was pushing it away.
Or constricting it.
Or distorting it.

A part of me didn’t want to feel it.

Why?

Love is big.
To let it in would mean to let in SO much.
And
It would mean to LET GO OF so much.

I would have to open, and not contract.
I would have to feel, and not restrict.

It’s so much sensation.
And to let myself open means to release my addictions.

My body’s addictions to avoidance.
My body’s addictions to anxiety.
My body’s addictions to shame.
My body’s addictions to performing, pretending, trying to be fine.

See,
The things we think we don’t want, but we find ourselves having and feeling and doing..
Are the things we are most deeply addicted to.

So,
I found myself in a wave of loneliness.

I noticed my system pulling.

In one area, I felt myself retracting away from something.

In another area, I felt myself clinging on to someone.

But mostly,
In all areas,
I noticed I was simply deviating.
Distracting myself from the real thing.

Love.
The love that is already here.
The love that is already so full that I can’t bare to let it in.
It’s here.

I let it in.
She keeps working me.
Blowing me more open than I could ever imagine.

And I keep
Letting
Her In.

Originally written September 14, 2021.