I'm dating a woman.

I’m dating a woman.

Being with her opens me like I’ve never been open before.

There have been a few times where I’m stressed, and I start closing up, but when I see her face on FaceTime, I instantly crumble, and open back up.

We both have fears in relationships in general, and are both deeply aware of the dynamic we have between us.
And we talk about it.
And we call it out when it’s happening.
And I don’t think it has hurt us yet, but I do think we are both extremely present with the fact that it could. And so we are aware of what that might be like. And how to support each other if and when it were to happen.

Most of my life I’ve been anxiously attached, but in this relationship, I can see so clearly when and where my system starts to deviate from total, open, love. And I can name it in real time.

Last night, we sat at dinner (a beautiful dinner she made for us), and stared at each other. Each of us was feeling a little shy. And so we sat with our shyness, our timidness about the fullness of love between us.
We sat with it.
Until it shifted.
And we both were in tears. Softening into how magical this love is. Something that neither of us has felt before.

And as I’m here in LA, reflecting on the last 10 years of my life, I keep seeing how closed I was.
How closed I had always been.
Closed off from letting in this type of love.

Sometimes she says something to me and I erupt into laughter or tears because of how much I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship where that was possible.
Sometimes she says something to me and I catch myself closing off, pretending like it can’t be possible, even though it’s right here in front of me.

We keep telling each other that we think the other person is so amazing and how could it be that they are here with me.
We both feel that way.

And what’s really cool, is we are both naming it.
Living in it.
Present when we close off, or pull away.
Present when we open to the bigness.

I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship this present, in fact.
Not even a friendship.

It is continuously blowing my mind.
And my body.
Wide.
Open.

Thank you @rozesubject for being here in this life with me.
So in love. ♥️

Originally written September 18, 2021.