I thought my travels were about me feeling free and solo.

I thought my travels were about me feeling free and solo.

They are not.
Holy sh*t they are NOT.

I have spent most of my time with family.
And I have begun two romantic relationships.
Wound after wound has surfaced for me to face, and heal.
Some have really truly moved through me in a deeper way than ever before.
Others are still here, repeating themselves for me to see.

I thought my travels were about being solo and free.
No no.
This is about relating.
This is about connecting.

About a month back I made a new friend, and we were chatting about romance.
I said something about my streak of unavailable men.
She said, “oh so you’ve been unavailable.”
I attempted to correct her, saying, no no - THEY were unavailable.
😂

She was like- yea, YOU are unavailable. (Thanks @karlapalomino__ ♥️)

Yep.
Duh.
Unavailable, but wishing.
Unavailable, but wanting.
Waiting.
Hoping.
If I try harder.
If I do better.
If I’m more healed.
If I set good boundaries.
The next time.

No.
I was not available.
I was addicted to the waiting.
I was addicted to the closing up.
The restriction.

Let’s face it, restriction is hot 😉.
But it isn’t available for love.
It isn’t open to the TRUTH to run through it.

And holy sh*t, when I open up to the truth running through my desires?
My s*x?
My intimacy?
WHOA.
It is
SO
MUCH.
There is so much there.
So much to be seen and felt and loved and held and healed.

And there is so much temptation, to restrict right back up.
Go back to hot,
But not, love.
Sexy, but
Not, truth.

I thought my travels were about space.
Distance.
Endless expansion.

But no no.
It is all about closeness.
What happens when I really get to be seen?

Here we are.
Whoa.

💥

Originally written October 20, 2021.