I knew it.

I knew it

And I pretended I didn’t.

I knew it.
I felt it long ago.
I felt it in looks and moments and energetic reaches.
I felt it in my back body, that resisted your touches.

But instead of listening
To the knowing
I felt inside

I pushed it away.
I told myself that can’t be right,
Look how great this is!

And so I convinced myself
Not to listen
Because your words were saying otherwise

Your promises reassured me
That indeed my knowing
Was just my fear

And then it happened

All that I knew

That you being here
Wasn’t true

But by this time
I had wound myself up
In wanting you
Reassured only with you saying it’s real

I keep doing this
And I did it again

I keep selling myself on your lies

I fall for your lies
Instead of my truth

And I’m done.
I’m through

I cannot do this again.
I’m too big for that,
And I actually know.

I know what I see
And the consequence of pretending I don’t
Is just too excruciatingly high
For me from now on.