I rehearsed my life

Once upon a time
I rehearsed my life
Planned out every step
Practiced it
Learned how to do it better
Watched myself in the mirror to make sure it looked okay
Took the responses of others as signals that I needed to change something in the choreography
Watched the recording of my movements in my head over and over finding spots of imperfection

I rehearsed
And I rehearsed
And I rehearsed

But I never performed
Every moment was about improving
Not dancing
Every moment was about building up to the performance
The performance that never came

No matter how much I told myself that I wasn’t waiting to be perfect to live
I was

I was waiting
Just a little more rehearsal before it’s ready

It’s funny because I share so much about my process and feelings that you might not think that’s what I did

But I did.

But now
Now
I feel like I’m touching life for the first time
A life that I don’t have to rehearse
Live performance in every moment

In rehearsal
When you make a mistake in the planned out choreo
You can stop and try again
You can make a face or get frustrated

But in performance
You have to roll with it
That mistake becomes a beautiful opening for what could come next
The choreography fades to the background and the soul of the art takes hold

And it’s this
That I’ve never done in real life
But am doing now

Each moment seamlessly leading into the next
I know enough choreography that I have it to fall back on
But mostly
My body takes on the spirit of the moment so fully
That I don’t need it

And I think in part
All that rehearsal prepared me for this moment
But I also think in part
That I never needed to rehearse in the first place

It’s the belief that life is a performance that had me think so