If I’m not motivated by guilt, will I even do anything?
This past month, I think I arrived at my worst fear.
The fear that if I finally unravel my shame, my forever feeling not good enough, my anxiety around doing enough...I might just give up on life and never want to do anything ever again.
😱
Well, it happened you guys.
I stopped acting out of fear.
Out of needing to prove myself.
Out of hoping that maybe if I just work a little harder then finally I’ll be good enough.
And then...
I stopped doing.
I just stopped.
I landing in nothingness.
And I started to sink.
And as I sunk I kept looking for alternatives, but everything I looked toward just felt so bland, and untrue.
So I kept sinking into the nothingness.
I waited for something to motivate me.
Or perhaps- guilt me - into action.
“But you SHOULD get up and work. Write some emails. Post something. Do SOMETHING.”
“If you don’t work, you won’t have enough money.”
“If you stop trying, you’ll totally isolate yourself and be alone forever.”
...the voices said.
But this time, my body didn’t respond.
It knew they weren’t true.
And the nothingness was still calling to me.
—
Soon, without effort, the bland nothingness around me started having some color.
But just little by little.
Every time I would grab at it, and think, “I’m back!” It would disappear again.
Slowly.
Color is coming back.
And let me tell you.
These colors are richer than I’ve ever seen.
These flavors are juicier than I’ve ever tasted.
These feelings are vibrant and sensational.
It’s like, they’ve been cleaned, dusted off, and now they can shine.
—
Today, I had my first professional photoshoot since January.
In the past, I had photoshoots every few months.
But this time, I was different.
It was different.
It was like- Jessie was there with me.
She wasn’t waiting in the car.
She wasn’t performing.
She was THERE.
So, let me tell you.
This fear that without guilt and anxiety and the things that “motivate” you, you might not try...
It’s true.
AND
There’s something so much better on the other side.
🦋