I’m squishy 🐙 *not a body image post

Over the last few years, and also thanks to covid, I’ve been working to dismantle the structures in which I was living.

The structures that said I was never enough.
That said be skinnier.
Be sexier, but not too sexy.
Be smart, but don’t take up too much space.
Be agreeable.
Hold yourself together to not make others uncomfortable.
If you just work harder, you’ll get there.

As I dismantled, I moved from a career focused in movement, and performance, to a career focused in healing.

I, slowly, stopped shaping myself and making my decisions from the place of what I thought I “should” do, to the place of what I knew in my heart was right for me.

As my mind broke down these constructs, so did my body.

It stopped holding itself together all the time.
Like, literally, my muscles have softened more in the last year, than they have in my entire life.

I looked at myself in one of my recordings the other day and realized how squishy I was.

And I won’t pretend like the critical thoughts didn’t come in- they did. They told me I should probably get more active again.

But you know what else came through?

That my body lost its structure on purpose.

It wasn’t able to go through the transformation from my previous state: tight, rigid, precarious.

My body got squishy so it could shape itself anew.
So it could make room for what needed to adapt.
So it could soften the rigid walls of my limiting structure, and actually create itself true.

I’m so sick of this narrative about quarantine weight, and you need to stick to your workout plan, especially during this time if you want to stay fit, etc etc.

What if your body was smart, and it softened on purpose?
And what if softening wasn’t bad, it was just what you needed?

If all we do is worry about how we look (or even what we are told is “healthy” or “good”) we might miss the gold that is our nature.

I’m sure my body will adapt once again, but for now, hello squish 🐙