It's time we get good at being NOT OKAY

Dear humans,

I think we need to get better at being NOT OKAY. 

As soon as something is not okay, we do something to make it "okay" again.
We fix it, solve it, address it.
We avoid it, numb it, deny it.
We explain it, understand it, rationalize it. 
We trivialize it, minimize it, make a joke of it. 


Why is it that we MUST problem solve, or avoid anything that feels a little not right? And is that really better?



I'm sure that many of you are now (if you weren't before) aware of the term White Fragility (coined and written by Robin DiAngelo - give it a read). This term is talking specifically about why it is so hard for white people to talk about race. 

And this term, in addition to the behaviors I'm encountering, have got me thinking about fragility in general. 

Fragility, meaning, our LACK of capacity to really be with challenging things without deflecting, rationalizing, problem solving, or getting upset. 


Now, I think that many of us consider problem solving to be a good thing. I mean, everywhere you look, someone is solving a problem. And there IS a lot of goodness in that. 

But why is it that the answer to me feeling ugly is more make up, and me smelling bad is more deodorant and perfume, and me having a headache is advil - instead of actually looking at why those things are happening and what there is to find in that?
Why is it that if I feel bad in anyway, it MUST be that I need to do something/take something/say something to make myself feel better?

I think this gets to be tricky because, if we cannot sit with the feeling, the thing that is uncomfortable, or hurtful, or not okay - our only solutions are going to be temporary and surface.

And not only that, but whatever response we are having (upset, sadness, anger, tension, etc) is going to be cut short and get stuck in the body. 


Here's what I know - the nervous system responds to the world APPROPRIATELY. Meaning, it kicks into gear when needed. It makes me tense when tension is needed to address a situation. It makes me sad when sadness is needed to process something. It makes me calm when calm is needed to digest and rest. Etc. 


So if all I'm doing is shortcutting my experience in order to get to what I THINK is better - I'm not only missing out on shifting and molding into a NEW solution or transformation that is awaiting on the other side of NOT OKAY - but I'm also not actually solving the real problem. I'm just putting an immediate fix on a symptom, without giving it time to heal itself. 



I'm reading this wonderful book, "Parable of the Sower," by Octavia Butler (and simultaneously listening to this PODCAST if you're interested), and in it, the verse she repeats is,

All that you touch
You Change.

All that you Change
Changes you.

The only lasting truth 
Is Change.

God
Is Change.

I could dissect this phrase in so many ways, but I'm sharing now simply to say - being present, and honest, and real, requires us to BE WITH CHANGE. 

It requires us to move through our fragile need for everything to be figured out, and perfect, and settled, and organized. 

It requires us to create some experience and resilience in things being unknown, and scary, and hurtful, and hard. 

It requires us, NOT to PUSH THROUGH those challenges, but to actually feel them. Sit with them. Hold them. 

It requires us to listen to each other when someone shares how they feel.

It requires us to hear other people's stories of how they see the world. 

It requires us to continually break down our idea of what is true, what is good, and what is right, and consider something new. 


---

A few days ago, I was confronted with a big, deep hurt. 
And I was so tempted to remove it. DO SOMETHING to make myself feel better. 

But as it moved and morphed I realized - if I try to push this away and just make myself feel better in the moment, it is only going to build. Get stuck. Get strong inside of me. 

I need to just let it be, today.
I need to just be NOT OKAY. 

And so I did. 
I felt it. 
I cried when tears came.
I slept when sleep came.
I wrote when thoughts came.
I called friends when loneliness came. 
I closed doors and made walls when I felt like I couldn't hear myself. 

And it moved. 

It may not be gone forever, but now, it is workable. I can actually address the fullness of it, instead of the covered up pieces.



So, my friends, I'm sharing this because the world needs us to do this right now.
It needs us to not shut off the TV when we see something awful.
It needs us to not avoid tough conversations.
It needs us to hear others' experiences without rationalizing, defending, or correcting, even if it makes us uncomfortable.

It needs us to show up. 

And you know what - showing up isn't just about action. In fact, it REALLY DOESN'T WORK when it's only about action (you've seen all the callouts about people that are making a "show" out of diversity, or equality - it doesn't work). 

Showing up is about be present. Holding the truth. Not hiding from it, denying it, or making light of it. 

BEING WITH IT. 


The thing is, humans are generally good.
And I don't mean that in a moral way, I mean that in a physiological, nervous system way. Nervous systems WANT TO HEAL. They want to go towards regulation, calm, alive. 

So, when we are with the TRUTH of what something is (ie oppression, racism, social conditioning, judgments, etc), our bodies WON'T do the evil thing anymore. The only way that evil is possible is when we rationalize, make excuses for, and deny the truth.

We only do evil when we are so fragile around our own hurt, that we CANNOT FEEL the hurt we do to others.



In a few weeks, round 2 of good girl begins.
This course is about reworking those fragile pieces in us. Those pieces that need everything to be right, and still, and perfect. Those pieces that have a hard time with uncertainty, and change, and hurt. 

This course is about expanding our capacity to be with not-okayness.

Every heard the phrase "be okay with not being okay"? 

I never actually knew what it meant, until THIS work.

I hope you'll join.

Early bird pricing goes until September 1! Sign up before then.


Love you,

Jessie



PS - If you want 1:1 support in your not okayness, connect with me for coaching. I'm pretty damn spectacular at it. ;)