I'm getting surgery on Monday.

I’m getting surgery on Monday.

I’ve had a cyst (and possible hernia) in my hip for over 5 years now.

And for 5 years, I thought I could heal it myself.

I went to work internally to discover all the emotional and physiological patterns that tied themselves into the formation of this cyst.

And I discovered some huge pieces.

But every time I uncovered another layer of what this cyst was teaching me about myself,
My frustration grew.
Because my discoveries did nothing to change its existence.
I could make it feel better momentarily with all of my body knowledge,
But
It would always come back.
And every time it would flare up and get painful,
I would feel punished.

You clearly aren’t getting it.
You haven’t learned your lesson.

Every time it flared up,
I took my punishment.

You failed,
You deserve this pain,
Was the story that rang loud.

And so I kept working harder.
I’ve got to find the reason.
The cause.
I’ve got to fix myself.
Perfect myself.

This cyst arrived while I was in relationship with a man (and various friendships) who criticized my every move.

I was in a space where I NEEDED and wanted to be critiqued.
Corrected.
Perfected.

So there I was,
Living life by overriding my body to be perfect and rigid and controlled,
And out comes a cyst.

A very rare cyst at that.
(This cyst usually only happens in infant males 😂, so in an adult female body is super strange)

And as it formed,
Perfect or punish was running through my blood.

So there I went,
Off to “heal” this cyst,
Using the very patterns that created it in the first place.

Over the years,
I started to see this.

So I backed off,
Gave it space.

I stopped trying to “fix it”
About a year or two ago.

And still
It stayed.

One day, a few months ago,
The cyst swelled in pain,
And I laid on my floor asking the gods
What now?
I see that I can’t fix it using my old tools.
I see that I can leave it alone, but it still gets aggravated.
So,
What?

I looked up local womb healers in Truckee, found one, called her, and set up an appointment for the next day.

The session was wildly moving,
Particularly in the way she held space for me to fully (I mean FULLY) have everything I needed.
Down to the tiniest little pillow supporting the tiniest little piece of my body.

I felt like an inconvenience,
But she kept holding space.

At the end of the gorgeous session,
She said,
“You know, a friend of mine had hernia surgery and now she lives comfortably.”
Just like that.
So simple.

And it hit me.

It’s time.

This cyst isn’t teaching me to be perfect OR ELSE.
No.
This cyst IS the physical manifestation of that pattern.

It is requiring me to fully step out of that.

It is giving me the possibility of something new.

A world where my comfort is important.
A world where my needs are not inconvenient.
A world where taking care of myself is not something I do once I earn it through perfection, but something that is necessary and loving, here and now.

I immediately found a female surgeon nearby,
And went to see her.

After I left, I could feel how hard it was for me to let myself actually WANT to remove this thing.
Because
What if what I want is still wrong?
I felt the sting of punishment threaten me as I explored this desire.

The pattern burning up right on the surface.

But after seeing the surgeon a second time,
After taking care of myself again,
Deeply,

That fear disappeared.

Yes.
I get to want to be comfortable.
Yes.
I get to do what is needed to take care of my body.
Yes.
I am a powerful creator of my reality, and this cyst is a result of how I’ve been.
And I now get to decide to move past that old way of living,
And become something new.

I want to be clear though.
Had I done this surgery 2 years ago,
It would have been from the same place.
The “I must fix it to be perfect” place.
And I know,
That my body would have found another way to mirror this pattern to me.

But today,
Now,
This choice is not about perfection, or fixing, or healing.
It is about the truth of what is required to be here for myself.
And I can feel in my bones how THIS is the way the pattern must be broken.

It was never about deservingness
Or perfection.

It was never my punishment.

It was always about showing me how I treat myself.

And it is time to know that.

🌪🔥🦍