Inconsolable

Inconsolable

Ever since I can remember
I’ve had these crying spells

Hours or days where the tears just come

The flood gates open and there is no end to the outpouring of sadness and heartbreak

This inexplicable pain

This reasonless
Never ending
Black hole

There are things that trigger it
That awaken it
That speak to it

But mostly
It is untied
Unattached to story or circumstance

But while it roars through
I feel it light up millions of memories
Racing through my mind and heart

Like this unexplainable pain
Found meaning in those moments.

Pain explained.
Just for a second.

When I was an infant,
I had colic
Which is assumed to be abdominal pain
But type it into google and you see article after article
Labeling it as crying fits.

INCONSOLABLE tears.

I arrived on this earth
Inconsolable.

And I think
I’ve spent my whole life
Searching for consolation.

Something to right it
Soothe it
Explain it and contain it

When what it really needs is permission.

This pain isn’t circumstantial,
It’s not because something bad happened or someone did something

We could say it’s ancestral trauma, or past life karma,

Could be

But no matter why or how
It is NOT to be consoled.

Today was one of those days

No consolation.

And I can feel myself twisting it
Trying to fit it into a story
As a way to control it

But all this story does
Is make the pain more likeable

My pain
People-pleases
Me

It wraps it up for me
So I don’t have to feel its full force

And when it does that,
It contorts my reality

It has me live in false fantasies

Delusions of self
Selling stories of my hurt,
My wounds.
My wrongs.

But this pain
Isn’t hurt.

It isn’t someone or something’s doing

Hurt was just the category I found to put it in

No
This pain is LIFE.

This pain is feeling.
This pain is an opening
A portal to source.

It was never the pain
That I needed to worry about

But only the attempt at correction
Or protection
Or consolation

Inconsolable
Is perhaps the beauty of what is

For me anyway
In this body
To this day