I've always been about the dark.

I’ve always been about the dark.
The down.
The shadow.

Never in my history of self-discovering have I been a “love and light” kinda gal.

In fact, sometimes in self-development workshops people would tell me how cheerful I was and I would want to barf 🤢. Me? Cheerful? Nah I’m dark and stormy, get outta here.

When I first saw someone put blood on their face I was like YES I’m doing that I want that. Give me all of the gritty, erotic, taboo, badass things I can do.

And there’s a lot inside of that - some of that is tied to my rebellion against the good girl…

And some of that is deeply true for me.

I like to work in the dark. In the places where no one goes. In the pockets that no one sees.

But in the process of digging
I forgot about the elevation.
I forgot about ascension.
I looked down on love and light people because I thought it was all bullshit.
(And I still do think a lot of it is…)
But there’s also something to it.
There is something to going up.
There is something to touching the sky.

Here in Mexico, the home I am staying in is very vatta + pitta (air and fire).
I have almost no air in my composition.
I am all pitta + kapha (fire and earth).
I am dense.
Heavy.

But here,
For the first time,
I can float.

Many of the people here float, too.

And I have had the most beautiful ascension up into the clouds.
In the space where physical matter is just not very important.
Up in the space where, things that happen or don’t happen have very little to do with me and my body and my actions.
Or even if they do, the happenings do not mean something about me.
They are not a hit on my worthiness.

I’ve really felt that one
For the first time.

And now I’m in this spot of integration.
This spot where
Yes
I can ascend.
I can be light and love.
It’s okay to be happy and joyful and not need to be working on something or digging in to something.
It’s okay to honor the flow of goodness.

And also
My body is dense.
And if I forget it’s density
I end up hurting it.

And the key for me here
In this process
Is to not let the coming deep down dense into my body
Take away from the lightness.
To not let it disprove the ascension.
They get to live together.
They get to co-regulate.
They get to feed into one another.
The light feeding the dark, and the dark the light.
The nourishment shared.

This is where I am.