I'm the bad guy.

For most of my life, my worst fear was being seen as the bad guy.

Someone, anyone, thinking I did something bad, or wrong.

Someone judging me.
Hating me.

So, I would do everything in my power to ensure that never happened.
Make nice.
People please.
Apologize.
Explain.
Explain and explain.
Defend.
Convince.
Cave.

I fluctuated between totally giving up my point of view, opinion or feelings,
Or
Pushing my perspective on someone else.

It usually worked.
I could mostly convince anyone that either I should be forgiven,
Or that I was right in the first place.

I could always fix it.
So much so in fact,
That I counted on my ability to fix it.
I felt entitled to do what I wanted, because I knew that I would always ultimately be able to fix it by shaming myself, or explaining myself.

And I would return to the space of being SEEN as good.

And here’s the problem.
My entitlement to knowing I could “fix it” was part of what actually created the harm.
And actually made me a bit of a bad guy, although I would never admit that.

But now,
NOW,
I am not entitled to be wreckless with people’s feelings or relationships,
AND

I DO NOT FIX THEM.

And so,
People DO see me as the bad guy.
I have had a handful of experiences in just the last few weeks, of people blaming me for harm that was not my doing.

And that has to be okay.
Partly because me fixing it would ultimately compromise my sense of truth and knowing in myself,

And partly because it would have me question their sovereignty, neither of which is fair, or honest, or true.

Now,
I GET to be the bad guy.
In presence with the reality of my truth, and the consequences of living fully - especially as a woman - which is that
People
Wont
Like it.

👄

—

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🎶: @billieeilish
I do not own the rights to this music