So much of me is dying.

So much of me is changing.

So much of me is dying away.

All these things that I thought I was,
I thought I liked,
I thought I cared about,
I thought I needed to do,
I thought were going to always be there,
Have disappeared over the last 6 months.

So much so,
That sometimes when I look at my face in the mirror,
I am confused.
Because I don’t see all the characters I used to see.
The little girl.
The sexy woman.
The smart teacher.

I just see a face,
That in each moment changes and shifts to represent my essence more fully.

In the past this would have scared me.
I wouldn’t have liked that I couldn’t find what I knew of myself in my face.
But now I see,
That this is so freeing.
Because I no longer require the characters,
To be me.

And yet,
It’s confusing.
I meet people and I watch them expect me to be a certain way.
I connect with friends and lovers and watch us just not make sense anymore.
I interact with IG and see it as so unimportant.

And that’s scary.
So much of what has always mattered to me,
Simply doesn’t anymore.
To the point where, I cannot go back to playing those roles.

Today, I cried leaving the gym.
It was my last session.
I cried because,
It was so clear it was time to be done,
But
I’m still losing a persona of mine.
The strong, flexible girl at the gym.
The flirty interactions with the trainers.
The she-knows-what-shes-doing woman.

It’s done.
She’s gone.
And I’m so glad.
It’s so worth it.

And also,
I’m so sad.
She has gotten me so far.
She has held me together so much, for so long.

But the more I shed these layers,
These versions of me,
The more I come into a new me,
That doesn’t need versions.
That doesn’t need boxes and labels.
That doesn’t need to compartmentalize neatly so that I am liked,
Valued,
Or seen as “good” in some way.

The me that is just here.
Fully.
Present.
The me that changes and adapts freely.

The me that is a whole human,
Not a character.

I feel like for the first time in my whole life,
I’m taking up space.
Like the actual amount of space required for my body.

And a part of me keeps trying to fit her back into old compartments,
But the thing is,
It just
Won’t
Work anymore.

It won’t work anymore.

⚡️